To Whom it May Concern:

City Hall, please use your illegal eminent domain powers to tear down the storefront at 1538 Thorpe Boulevard.

I do not take this action lightly. As a libertarian anarchist who believes that people function best with no government, I despise writing anything to any government official, and barely acknowledge your existence in my dimension, but I feel I have little recourse in this case.

So why do I stoop to this level, you might ask? Is the building an eyesore? No. In fact, if anything, it’s an architectural delight. While I lack the vocabulary to adequately describe its appearance inside and out, I very much appreciate its throwback to an earlier time, with its red brick façade, old-timey signage and the tin tiles that festoon its ceiling.

In fact, its delightful appearance may be part of the problem: I’m sure any business owner, upon viewing its exposed red brick would jump at the chance to open up shop in this haunted space. I would, if I were a business owner, and not an IT professional.

It is, rather, a “soulsore.” It saps the hope out of all those resting their gaze upon yet another “Going Out of Business” sign. And when yet another sign appears announcing the opening of another ill-conceived business, one is tempted to run in, feverish and wild-eyed, as someone who was Shanghaied and escaped, yelling, “Get. Out.”

This week, the eighth business in as many years in this space is closing. I personally did not patronize Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder (AMTHGF), as I don’t drink absinthe. I wandered in after attending, with a date, an evening of theater at The Wildwind Theatre two doors down. We saw Vaclav Havel’s Largo Desolato. I had no idea what was going on, but I loved it! The date did not end well and reflected the absurdity and confusion of the play.

I firmly believe my date from the other evening would have ended on a more hopeful note had we not wandered into “The Space.” While she gave the excuse that I am a “poster boy for toxic masculinity,” I do not believe it and rather blame it on “The Space.”

Anyway, my date and I wandered into AMTHGF There were two other people there as well. This, it turns out, was the “rush” period, as a nightly viewing of the space from Sugarhoof Bakery across the street would bear out.

Unfortunately, AMTHGF is not an anomaly in this space. Joe’s Craft Water Bar before it, The Oxygen Tent before that, Bleak & Dry Rice Cake Bistro, The Quorn Hole, Neela’s Frozen Yoga, and on and on, have had similar experiences in this space.

In fact, when I took another date to dinner at Atlantic on the Pacific (AOTP) (a dining establishment specializing in cod and scrod) across the street, the discussion turned from happy topics like babies and puppies to AMTHGF, and how it only looked like Obama fixed the economy, while really turning it into a socialist state for the elite and wrecking it for honest, hardworking folks like myself. This date did not end on a hopeful note either.

While I have had periodic bouts of depression before, living near 1538 Thorpe hasn’t helped. In fact, I have had to increase my medications since moving nearby.

In addition to having a metaphysical effect on the area, it might even have a physical effect. I have personally witnessed a distinct decrease in greenery in the area. I will be conducting my own research to provide evidence on this point. When I have all the data, I will send it to the relevant do-nothing government official at my earliest convenience.

Frequent letters to the property owner, Tsevelekos Enterprises, has gone unanswered, seemingly sent into a black void. I even attempted to write them in Greek. However, I understand the owner is tightly connected to City Hall.

So, City Hall, while I abhor the use of Eminent Domain (you will remember my presence at all town meetings, wherein I opposed the building of yet another tax-siphoning school on the former site of Al’s Adult Bowling Parlor), I plead with you to use this abhorrent power to purchase the property at 1538 Thorpe Boulevard and turn it into something useful, like a parking garage or liquor store. If no action is taken, I will be forced to run for mayor of a government I do not recognize as sovereign and consider abhorrent, illegal, and immoral.

Thank you.